


Facilis Descensus Averni - Difficile ascensus ad caelum est.

by yseult



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Guilt, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Isabelle Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort (or at least at some point the comfort will come in), Isabelle wants to hit the Seelie Queen, Jace is not useless, M/M, Magnus is missing, Magnus saves the day, Maryse Lightwood Redemption, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Protective Jace Wayland, Trauma, a whole lot of whump, while Clary watches on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-10 06:55:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yseult/pseuds/yseult
Summary: The descent into hell is shockingly easy when violent tragedy leaves Isabelle at the brink of death and her friends and brothers are left reeling, while a wounded Alec desperately waits for Magnus to make yet another dramatic entrance to save his sister's life.But Magnus is not answering any calls, and when he does, things might just be too late. And ascent into heaven seems imminent for Isabelle and impossible for her mourning brothers.Set between Season 2 and 3, after Magnus and Alec are back together.(Translation of the title: The descent into hell is easy, (but) the ascent into heaven difficult.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What can I say? I was in the need for some whump and comfort after Erchomai 3x10 (worst effing title for an episode btw spoiled then and there that Jonathan was going to make it, erchomai means ascent in ancient greek) and went all out on the tragic trauma. 
> 
> This is set somewhere between season 2 and 3. Magnus and Alec have made up, but there still is a bit of hurt and doubt in Alec's mind which can become easily blown out of proportions when suffering from shock himself... 
> 
> We'll see where this will end. I haven't finished yet, so input is highly welcome and invited.

_When it rains… it pours… there will be blood in the water… cold… to the core… (Ruelle - Live like legends)_

 

* * *

 

 

The stark opposition between the noisy mayhem of battle and the shocked silence of unfolding tragedy were nothing short of poetic.

 

Jace would have noted it, would his mind have allowed for such a trivial thought in the middle of his fifth slay of another shax demon this night. Instead, his brain refused to compute the visual input that his eyes delivered to his adrenaline pumped brain as the demon disintegrated before his eyes and revealed the sight of assembled nightmares coming to life all in the span of a single second.

 

Behemoth, a higher demon that had been wreaking havoc on New York’s down and mundane world alike for weeks, had managed to breach the defenses of their team of Shadowhunters and was plunging his dark and misshapen claws into Isabelle Lightwoods chest, threatening to tear her apart. There was no cry, only a deep painful sigh that was lost between the sounds of battle of a dozen Shadowhunters against a quickly diminishing number of lesser demons, shax, ravenor, vetis and mantid, alike.

 

Alec was pinned down by a brutish vetis demon that had rushed him only seconds before, crashing him into the far wall with astonishing agility for such a creature. By doing so, Jace had for the smallest of instants, lost his concentration, feeling the impact on Alec through their bond as his back and head connected with the brittle concrete with heightened speed. The distraction was enough for an opening. An opening, a greater demon such as Behemoth would not let go unused. An opening that proved nothing short of fatal.

 

Clary, incredibly clear-sighted, reacted within a split second now, realising her own chance to vanquish this powerful foe as its attention was turned on Isabelle who with her prowess and the precision of her demon burning whip had cleared the field around them both. A formidable advantage turned into painful danger. With an elegant and measured motion that contrasted harshly with the grim surroundings of the underground battlefield of debris in the abandoned warehouse where they had finally found Behemoth’s hiding place, Clary drew her personal sun rune into her left palm immediately turning it onto the son of hell as bright sunlight spilled out of her hand.

 

The beast turned around as the sunlight hit its disgusting form, his dark slits that stood in for eyes narrowed at Clary. For a moment that seemed to stretch out into eternity while Isabelle remained suspended in the air, her body crushed, her lungs punctured and her blood dripping onto the floor, nothing happened. Nothing.

 

Until, at last, angelic power overtook the odds and exploded the powerful demon into a final rain of embers and unpleasant ichor, banishing it back to the unnamed ring of hell it had come from.

 

 

Jace barely noticed the sunlight flooding the space and illuminating every single detail. He barely registered the lesser demons’ disorientation which allowed the remaining Shadowhunters to gain the upper hand in this fight that had lasted much too long already.

No, Jace’s body and mind had separated into two distinct and contrary motions. His body followed a deep and ancient fighting training so ingrained within the _parabatai_ rune that his conscious mind was left to its own devices, unable to process anything at this point. In a few measured steps, he was close to where Alec tried to regain his footing while at the same time finding space to plunge his seraph dagger into the demon who had tried to crush him. With a decisive undercut swing, Jace disposed of the black, grotesque demonic figure, leaving Alec leaning up against the wall gasping for breath.

 

“Izzy…. Please, Izzy…” Clary was the first one by her side. Isabelle Lightwood, formidable knight blessed with angelic blood, had fallen to the ground where her long dark locks spilled over rubble and debris as if they had been draped there by some classical painter about to pain a dramatic tragedy of biblical proportions. Blood had started to pool within the dust and suddenly the whole underground warehouse had fallen eerily silent. Her eyes were closed, her lips unmoving, the drop of blood on them barely visible against the deeper red of her favourite lipstick colour.

 

“Isabelle!” Clary urged Isabelle to open her eyes. She didn’t dare touch her friend, for fear of causing even more damage. There was blood everywhere, deep gaping holes, ripped skin and muscle, visible bone fragments… nobody could survive that. Clary pushed the thought away as quickly as she could.

 

Jace came down beside Clary, searching Isabelle’s features for a sign, before calling out to Alec. “She’s still breathing! Clary…! Portal us out of here. Now!” It took Clary a moment to realise what he was asking for, her mind still reeling from the scene.

She felt tears well up somewhere deep in her belly, spilling upwards and threatening to choke her as she got up on her two feet.

 

Alec was incredibly calm, directing the remaining Shadowhunters under his command to converge, swaying slightly, he drew out his phone and with the simple flick of a finger launched the emergency field protocol that would tell the Institute reinforcements and medics where to find them. The line came to life and Liz Starling’s concerned voice replied to his urgency. He lifted the phone to his mouth, asking Liz to stand ready to come to their aid, waiting for Clary’s portal.

 

Clary was already trying to summon a portal, and tell-tale gush of air announced the golden ringreality-bendingding energy… until it simply faded out in front of her. “Come on… come on… come on… come on… come on…” Young Clary, so fierce, and so inexperienced had never witnessed such violent loss and try as she might to resist it, her body and mind were going into shock. She redrew the rune with quick and measured movements, the stele in her hand barely showing the tremor of fear in her arm. Again the portal would not manifest.

 

“Clary!” Jace called out to her, imploringly, the dread and urgency laced in an uncomfortable way across the syllables of her name. “I am trying!” - Clary couldn’t and wouldn’t hide the tears and terror in her voice. Once more her emotions came in the way of her abilities. Now, of all times. Now. When she seemed to be the only one capable to do anything to save her friends life.

 

Finally, Alec dropped on his knees beside his sister, his eyes searching for her Amissio Rune with his pulled stele somewhere on her lower ribcage. “… the rune’s gone. It’s not activating…” the words were strangled. Somewhere at the back of his throat, a huge lump of pain and anguish lodged itself firmly between his vocal chords while his mind refused to process once more what he had just said. The rune, along with the skin it had adorned, muscle, bone and fabric from Isabelle’s red top had been torn and shredded.

 

“Alec…! Draw a new one!” Jace seemed to be the only one able to keep a hold on the situation and the insistent undertone of annoyance snapped Alec out of his loop. He hastily drew the blood slowing Amissio rune onto the back of Isabelle’s hand and it slowly glowed to life. The slow reaction was not a good sign. The runes were getting weaker by the minute.

 

“Breathe.” The word was spoken in a calm that defied the circumstances in which the were finding themselves, but they were directed at Clary. Alec fixed his eyes on her, willing her to calm herself.

 

Seconds later, the portal finally sprung to life only a few feet from Isabelle, her hair slowly catching in the whirling movement of the energy that ripped a hole into the fabric of time and space.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much Angst. Soooooo much pain. But there's some parabatai magic in there.   
> Don't be cross with me. Comments and input is very welcome. (tags adapted btw).

“Well, you know who this is… tell me who you are, and I might just call you back.”

 

Magnus’ charming and playful voice was a stark contrast to the rising agitation Alec felt boil over somewhere in his stomach.

 

“Magnus. Please, call me back. I need you. Urgently.”

 

He was losing count on the number of messages he had left on Magnus Bane’s answering machine. Two? Five? Alec resigned himself to put his phone back into his pocket.

 

He was still standing on the stairwell in front of the infirmary hallway where he had stopped, unable to approach or retreat.

 

“But… hey…!” - Jace had just been pushed out of the treatment room where the field medics were fighting for Isabelle’s life. “Jace. Come on.” Clary tried to placate him, worried that in his distress he might just punch the young field medic in front of him in the face. He looked barely older than 16 and had been assigned to the New York institute only a couple of weeks ago. “Please… let them to their jobs.” Clary’s calmness, as so many times before, seemed to reach him and his resistance deflated in a scornful huff directed at the blond medic who turned around and shut the door.

 

_This is all your fault._

 

Alec’s conscious mind had finally caught up with the present.

 

_How could you let this happen?_

 

He had stood in that same spot some 10 years ago, in a situation that had felt just as dramatic to his 13 year old self. It was in the early years of the Lightwood trio. Jace, Alec and Isabelle were young, utterly reckless and convinced that there was nothing in the world they couldn’t take on. Nothing. As a result, they had spent enough time in the infirmary rooms together to have developed a game around it. How many times would each of them manage to be in each single one of them…? Or be treated by a certain number of medics on rotation?

 

This time had been different though. Isabelle, while teaming up with her brothers on patrol had fallen from a ledge and broken her right leg. The strongest bone in the human body. She had been in so much pain as Alec carried her in his arms into the Institute.

Maryse, tense, high strung and extremely ambitious on account of her three children, had blamed Alec almost immediately. Like she had always done. He was the oldest one after all, the most level headed of the trio and thus responsible by simple parental confirmation.

The reproach and disapproval in her voice had become his own inner voice long ago. And disapproval had mixed with expectation and pressure. It was at the basis for not only for his protectiveness when it came to his baby sister, but also for his extreme tenseness and obedience towards the law in the past.

 

Alec was responsible for Isabelle’s and Jace’s well being. He was supposed to have their back.

 

And he had failed so miserably at that.

 

_How could I let this happen?_

 

 

“Alec…!”

 

Jace was calling out to him, but somehow the words never really reached Alec who had already turned around and left for his office.

 

“What …” Clary looked puzzled as Jace made a deflated grimace. Reaching out through their bond, he brushed up against what felt a steel wall. Alec had shut him out and was hiding behind a wall of psychic projection.

 

“Oh, no, you don’t…!”, murmured Jace under his breath before going after him, ignoring the look of concern Clary was turning on him. The _parabatai_ link was still a complete mystery to her. It felt technical and odd, she knew the modalities, but it was like learning chemistry formulas to understand that hydrogen and oxygen were water. It could never tell you what water actually feels like.

She could tell that sometimes that bond was experienced like a burden. To be this close to a person… it felt intrusive and intimate. Sharing feelings and fighting moves was only part of it… it demanded also to share deepest thoughts and motivations. It was, by all means, what a relationship between lovers would feel like to her. But then again, she was young, she thought to herself, and couldn’t compare even half of her experience to what Jace, Alec and Izzy had lived through at their age as Shadowhunters.

 

 

When Jace caught up with Alec, it was in his Institute Head Office, where he was already typing furiously on a tablet, pulling up security footage and setting up an incident report.

He hadn’t even bothered to take off his ichor stained jacket or his utility belt. He just stood absorbed behind his desk, completely ignoring Jace who stood in the doorway, an angry look on his face.

 

“Alec…! What are you doing…?!” - “What does it look like?”, came the flat reply. “I want everyone’s incident report in as quickly as possible.”

 

The anger within Jace that had painted itself all over his face, dissolved into utter disbelief. “An incident report..?! Alec. Have you completely lost your mind…?”

 

Jace regretted his words as soon as they had left his mouth. _Darn._ Alec lifted his head to look at him, his brown eyes full of torment, while his face looked unfazed to anybody but his brother.

 

“No, Jace. I haven’t lost my mind. I want to know what happened.” The last syllable of his last word, dropped ever so slightly, betraying his emotions just enough to his best friend and brother. Again, Jace pulled on the bond, out of instinct. It was their way of letting the other know that they were not alone through something else but just words. His insistence on reaching out to him wasn’t lost on Alec.

 

“This… it can wait.” Jace’s words were imploring. He knew his brother. They had shared their lives together, fought and bled together. And now, Isabelle was badly hurt. They went in as three, and they might well only come out two this time.

 

“Alec!”

 

Jace had never been great at hiding his emotions. What was the point anyway… and now, his expression stood somewhere between worry and consternation. He could feel that Alec had retreated way back into his own mind and tried to distract himself from the terrible realisation of Isabelle’s condition by focusing on administrative duties and analysis.

 

“What…?! What do you want from me, Jace…?!” Alec finally pulled himself up to his full height, stepping towards Jace. “What? I need to know where we went wrong. Don’t you get it…? I need to know…”

 

“Stop.” Now it was Jace’s turn to step closer to Alec, the stress of the last hour tensing around the edges of his aura, daggers in his eyes. How could Alec be this disconnected? Now, of all times.

 

“Just stop!” Jace’s anger, stress and pent up adrenaline channeled themselves into a gesture that couldn’t have been more misplaced given the situation. He pushed Alec with both hands, shoving him backwards, as if to drive home his demand.

The pained yelp barely registered with Alec, as if his body was already not his own anymore. He was on auto-pilot.

 

Jace noticed however.

 

“Alec. I know you are hurting. I can tell you’re hurt physically too… just… do something. How can you not feel this…? It’s Izzy… she’s dying… ”

 

“No.” Alec finally exhaled. Yes, he was hurting. At this point it was hard to pin-point exactly what was hurting more. His body or his mind or his heart.

 

“This is not your fault. Nothing could have prevented this. No amount of intel could have prepared us for this. This… it’s not your fault.” Finally, it seemed that Jace had found the right words, he could feel the steeliness that tinged their bond on Alec’s side diffuse somewhat.

 

“There was so much blood… Jace.” His head still bowed, Alec was contemplating a dried blood stain on his hand and sleeve. His? Izzy’s? Jace’s?

 

“I know.” Jace’s reply was barely louder than a whisper. He was close enough to reach out his hand and touching Alec’s arm, wrapped him in a deep embrace. “I know.”

Tears welled up inside Alec. A flood was preparing itself. A mix of emotion, exhaustion and fear, and long forgotten memories. When he pulled away, Jace had a piercing, and distinctly worried look on his face.

The moment that had passed between them had made Alec lower his steely defenses and through their bond, Jace could tell that Alec had been injured during the fight in the warehouse. The throbbing presence of bruised muscle in his own chest that felt like a memory and the sharp pain across his back were a clear indication to him that Alec was running on fumes and needed medical attention.

 

There was an unspoken exchange between the two Shadowhunters, and after a beat Alec pulled off his jacket, not without trouble. There was a moment of hesitation, as if he thought that was enough to placate Jace’s insistent stare.

With a deflated sigh, he pulled off his black long-sleeved shirt, revealing a whole set of glorious bruises that had started to form across his chest and torso where the vetis demon had rushed him against the wall, crushing his chest and breaking bones.

 

Jace pulled out his silver stele and activated Alec’s healing rune by running its tip over the dark traces of the elegant design on his side.

 

“It won’t help with the poison though.”Now it was Alec’s turn to glower at Jace. “What…? Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” The blond Shadowhunter shook his head in an expression between annoyance and mock surprise while Alec occupied himself to pull his shirt back on, ignoring the huge gash in the fabric that ran across his upper back where another demon had managed to drive his claws into him.

 

“Later,” Alec replied to the unvoiced demand to have his wound be looked at by a medic. He picked up his phone instead. There was still no reply from Magnus.

 

_Where are you…?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where we finally get Magnus back… and yet, it doesn’t help much, leads to more angst and trouble. There's a jab at Lorenzo in there, if that helps. >.<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for my darkness, it’s who I am and sometimes I need it out. Blessings!   
> As always, comments are highly welcome and make me smile. Spread good fortune, make me smile, gents and tell me what you think! <3

Magnus stepped with a flourish and a cheeky smile across the invisible border that separated the mundane world of New York and the separate dimension of the Seelies. He had appeared in the middle of Central Park, just beyond the bushes framing the paved section around the gothically charming Bethesda statue.

The beauty of the angel Bethesda did nothing for the people crossing the park that evening. An uncomfortable, but insistent rainy drizzle made the park and the city an uninviting place to be out.

It took Magnus a moment to realise that his phone was vibrating in his pocket. An insistent stream of messages moved the object in its own dance of modern magic.

 

“What the…” he muttered as he pulled out his phone where the display had assembled a whole set of insistent messages and voicemail notices from Alec. The last one visible on his screen simply said ‘911’. The smile that seconds before had been fun and cheeky, faded into a concerned frown.

 

Behind him Lorenzo Rey stepped through the same portal, a mocking expression on his face. “What…? Is your boyfriend jealous? I honestly thought Alec Lightwood would be beyond such pettiness. Goes to show what a bad influence you are, Bane.”

 

Magnus had been summoned by the Seelie Queen to introduce his successor as High Warlock of Brooklyn to her personally. She had been playful, and not without charm, as was her habit. He quietly wondered if her prolonged banter had been intentional. She did know everything that transpired in the human world after all. And she loved to meddle and manipulate, he added grimly in his head. She hadn’t hidden her displeasure at his chosen successor, providing enough sport for Magnus Bane to consider his evening a pleasant moment and so, the Seelie queen found amusement in edging the already important animosity between the two powerful warlocks further along its natural path.

 

Back in Central Park, Bane let the remark go, and resisted the temptation to flip a clear and distinct finger into Rey’s general direction, and opted to summon a portal instead, leaving the new High Warlock of Brooklyn, mouth wide, in the middle of the Park, the Angel Bethesda looming over him, alone and without as much as an explanation. 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, one of the chief medics of the New York Institute stepped into the open door frame of a door that seemed never really closed, neither for privacy nor discretion. It was a detail that revealed to any outsider the kind of leader who was at work here.

Jace immediately sprung up from the chair he had dropped himself into, taking even the smallest moment of rest where he could get them.

With suddenly both Alec and Jace’s attention turned on the medic, he hesitated before crossing into the room, a small bag in his hands.

 

“Sir… I…” - clearly, whatever he had come to say or inform the two brothers of, was uncomfortable to him. And yet, neither of the two offered to make it any easier for him.

 

“We’ve done all that we can-“ he stated eventually, his eyes darting from Jace to Alec and back. “- Isabelle, your sister, she is beyond rune magic… the damage is substantial. She has lost a lot of blood. We tried what we could. I have put in an urgent request with the Silent Brothers to come and assist…” Jace’s reaction was a sound somewhere between a growl and a pained cry, as he turned his back on the man in a very uncharacteristic move to hide his face and his emotions.

 

“… Her passing.” Alec was still combing through his mind to find the name of the unknown medic, but thoughts clearly failed him today. The words and the evidence behind them eluded him. No, he flat out refused to acknowledge them at all. His mind was trapped in a loop where only one word keep repeating itself over and over again. _Magnus… Magnus… Magnus…_ and an unworded sureness that somehow he would save her.

 

He stared at the man, blinking a couple of times, as if it would help him process, until finally he asked: “How long…?” Only a deeply furrowed brow betrayed a hint of an emotion.

 

Jace whirled around to look at Alec in disbelief at his words, but any reflection he had to offer was silenced before he could voice it by a sharp and decisive hand meant to silence him.

 

“Hours.” And after a beat. “Sir, I’ve brought supplies, in case any of you needed some tending to.”

 

_Hilland. Gabriel Hilland. That’s his name._

 

Finally Alec’s mind had found the solution to the unvoiced question of the medic’s name in front of him. He blinked yet again, nodding.

 

“Don’t look at me, I’m not injured.” Jace was brisk and unaccommodating, and his reaction sent a tumultuous set of emotions through their bond. The effect on Alec was immediate as he snapped out of his distracted state and waved the medic over. He sat down on his desk, pulled his off his shirt, revealing a deep gash that stretched across the entirety of his upper back, right up to his right shoulder. Deep enough to be painful, but not enough to damage any bone, … but marred with tell-tale signs of demon poison.

Jace huffed, again sending a pang of annoyance and reproach through their bond which he hoped would sting enough to finally get Alec to react. Yes, they had been trained from tender age to control their emotions, to disconnect from their passionate side, but this… this was Izzy. She was dying. She was beyond help and Alec hadn’t as much as flinched at the news or at the medic who was now draining his wound. The flesh around the gash was red and clearly infected, and the tendrils of darkness were reaching well above his neck and down towards his lower back. Rune magic wasn’t going to be enough for this kind of infection either. It explained why even with the combined force of his _parabatai_ activating his healing rune, the throbbing in Alec’s chest hadn’t abated. His body was weakening and as it did, so were the powers of his runes.

 

Hilland had finished tending to the wound, and waved Jace over to help him wrap at least part of it in a bandage. Alec let himself be administered like this and still wasn’t showing any kind of reaction. He had completely disconnected himself from the current situation, following the flow on words and sollicitations, but for all intents and purposes, Alec Lightwood was not present. He barely even registered when Jace activated his _Iratze_ rune once more after instruction of the medic, while flooding his _parabatai_ bond with healing energy.

 

Healing energy that Jace didn’t even try to leave clear of his frustration. The only person that had ever been able to reach Alec when he was this absent was Magnus. And then it finally clicked in Jace’s mind as he wondered for the first time this evening, where Magnus was and why he hadn’t been called in immediately, seeing as how warlock magic had depths and modalities that Shadowhunters could not access.

What could possibly have kept him from coming to the Institute and help after such a catastrophic event…?

 

 

Cursing the Seelies to all kinds of hell and then some, Magnus stepped into the main entry hall of the New York Institue, only to find it eerily calm. Too calm for his linking. Again his heart made an unpleasant lurch somewhere in his chest, trying to jump into his throat. He jumped into the next elevator which would take him to the upper floors and Alec’s room beyond that. But when the door opened, Clary suddenly stood before him and before he could ask, state or demand to see Alec, he was pulled into a deep embrace of golden-red hair and emotion.

She started to talk like a fountain almost immediately.Magnus only managed to disentangle himself from her after pulling her off of him. “Hold on, darling… what are you saying…? Where’s Alec…?”

 

But Clary shook her head: “No, not Alec, Magnus. Izzy. She’s dying.”

 

 

The infirmary was as silent as the rest of the Institute. Clary opened the door to one of the particular rooms where the lighting had been dimmed down and where only a single bed was occupied.

 

Isabelle Lightwood, beautiful by any standard, seemed like a sleeping beauty from a fairy tale of old. Her white skin looked almost translucent and Magnus made a mental note of the inherent beauty of both Lightwood children with their dark hair and fair skin. Not half way through the door, Magnus Bane, not so much High Warlock of Brooklyn anymore, but still so much more powerful than any warlock around, was already reaching out with cooling tendrils of magic, assessing, evaluating and calming where he could.

 

He knew before he ever reached Isabelle’s bedside where only a single monitor flashed at a slow, but steady interval and where unknown runes and symbols informed whoever was able to read them of her status. But Magnus Bane was in no need of such technical and flawed human inventions. His magic knew no bounds and no limits, and now it was telling him that there was no hope for Isabelle Lightwood. The emotional pain of this realisation was painted across his face that could barely hide a deep emotion on a better day, let alone on a day that had ended in tragedy with him unable to come in aid when he had been needed and when Alec had called him.

 

Alec.

 

His lover’s presence flashed across his mind, while he looked for muscle, bone and tissue to heal, and reached beyond for Isabelle’s soul. She was so far away. As if the soul had left a body that was no longer able to sustain it, house it and nurture it. The tether that bound soul and body together was but a sliver, a small drizzle where usually a deep and profound river would flow and link the two and sustained life.

 

Magnus could do a lot of things. But he could not call back a soul that was decided on leaving. Things as complex as this were even beyond his powers as he had well learnt when almost losing Alec’s soul to the fractured _parabatai_ bond only months before.

 

All he could do for Isabelle now, was calm the pain of the body in hopes of easing the pains of the soul while she passed into the realm of eternal forgetting and the heavens beyond.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maryse Lightwood arrives at the Institute. A lot of emotional exposition and exploration for all characters involved. Also: Magnus being just... soft and sweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, goddess and all the angels. This was so incredibly painful to write. I do hope you find some pleasure in reading it nevertheless. I thought it was necessary in such a fic to offer another side of Maryse's sternness and her character development in season 3 is beautiful, even if it's not shown enough. Also, Magnus is in this. And will be a lot in the next chapter. Comment and tell me what you liked and what you really find annoying (I am sure there is something) and you will have made my day. <3

“Alec.”

 

Maryse Lightwood spoke the name of her oldest son with care. There was a tinge of emotion somewhere between the two vowels that prompted Alec to swivel around, hastily pulling down the new shirt into which he had been changing, only barely able to hide the enormous bruise on his chest that was only slowly fading, or the bandage on his back from his mother’s eyes.

 

She stood at the doorway, breathing deeply and evently, a deep furrow squarely lodged between her dark eyebrows. She wore her dark, dense hair, pulled back into a long braid and the effect added to her usual air of straightforward tightness.

 

There was a moment’s hesitation in which Alec didn’t move. He just looked at her, steeling himself against the onslaught of reprimand and disapproval that was surely about to be placed on his already hurting shoulders. Alec had stopped breathing, holding his breath like an armour.

 

Jace could tell that his brother was incapable of moving and decided to step in, forever fighting beside Alec, forever protecting him. Even against the disapproval of their mother. “Maryse.” But as well meaning as his manoeuver was, as well aimed it was to take off all the attention of Alec, as impossible it was to distract Maryse Lightwood, former head of the New York Institute, commander of Shadowhunters and fierce fighter for the Clave. She simply ignored Jace all together, her eyes fixed on Alec.

 

“Mum.” Alec knew as much. His shoulders had hunched forward almost instantly when he had hear his mother’s voice and now finally, he had let go of the eternal breath meant to steady him.

 

“By the angel…!” What happened then was utterly unexpected… probably to all in the room. Alec found himself wrapped in what in any other family would be considered a motherly hug, full of emotion, gentleness and strength. A combination that only a mother could manage and that neither Alec nor Jace had much experience in.

 

“Are you all right…? Jace? You both look like you are in shock…” Jace managed to regain his senses first and extracted himself from his side of the hug, looking at her with astonishment. “Well, yeah…”

The ambiguity of his remark was lost on Maryse however, who continued to search Alec’s face for some kind of reaction. “What happened…? No… wait. I don’t need to know what happened. I just came in with Brother Zacharias who’s already in the infirmary. How bad is it…? How is Isabelle..?”

 

Alec wanted to say the words, wanted to break the spell that had him without words… word… such important words, ending words. Heartbreaking words. But all he managed was a painful expression while Jace shook his head.

 

Maryse’s betrayed her emotions only through a sharp intake of breath, her already imposing frame suddenly going completely rigid. She swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment, before once more staring intently at Alec. Behind her stone hard exterior a war between two completely contrary motivations was taking place. A war between the horrible mix of emotions of a mother that had just learnt that her only daughter was on the brink of death and the softening concern of a mother that wished to comfort her son.

 

 _He feels responsible. How could he not…? By the Angel, they are both still so young…_ The thought flashed across her conscious mind while her heart had already won the battle and finally, another breath broke her exterior hard shell, she had gotten so good at projecting.

 

“Alec.” She called out once again, this time conveying all the gentleness and affection she held for her oldest son.

 

An older brother and son who wasn’t prepared to receive such softness. Deep creases across his forehead had darkened his expression while he wondered what was happening. The whole situation was incomprehensible to him. His brain wasn’t processing it. How could she not blame him? It was completely out of character for his mother to show such emotion and even go as far as offer consolation to him. Of all people. Had she not been the one to train all of her children that emotion was a weakness that needed to be battled during a lifetime? That emotions were at the opposing end of personal sacrifice when it came to their mission to serve the Clave in all matters? That, only level-headed decisions were good decisions and that nothing good came out of listening to your heart or your gut?

How could that same woman stand there, a heartbroken grimace pulling at her mouth and tears filling her eyes?

 

“It’s ok.” Seeing his strong and proud mother cry wasn’t something Alec was ready for. He had managed to remain as detached as possible, managed to not let the depth and breadth of his sister’s imminent death touch him or derail him. Had managed to remain on target. A leader. Strong. Someone his parents would and could be proud of. Someone that people looked up to. Someone who knew how to function.

 

But seeing his mother decompose herself in front of him, show herself this vulnerable to him and Jace, was too much. Alec Lightwood wasn’t ready to let go of the security of his emotional detachment. He could tell that the depth of his pain was more than he was able to bear, so immense and vast, so bone crushing deep… Isabelle was dying. She would leave him behind. Heartbroken and alone. So deeply alone.

 

He let himself be wrapped up in his mother’s arms once more, even offered his arms in return, but more than that he couldn’t or wouldn’t allow himself.

Maryse sensed that something within Alec was refusing to shift, that he couldn’t let go of the control, years and years of teaching had instilled in him. Her eyes fell on Jace who stood behind Alec, his arms crossed, his expression unsure. He could sense Alec’s turmoil, the confusion and the pain, but it was dampened and he noticed - not without some degree of frustration - that again, Alec had blended a protection into the bond, hiding the true fullness of his emotions and the depth of his pain.

Maryse, mother of many sufferings, wondered how much of Alec’s internal pressure to keep face was in fact due to her misguided efforts of turning him into the perfect Clave soldier to right her personal sins, most of which her children knew nothing of. And how much it had actually hurt them all. Had hurt her relationship with her children, had shaped their self-appreciation. Had solidified her disconnection from her family and the people she cared most about. It was yet another thing she needed to atone for.

 

“Please,… I need to see Isabelle.” Her words were but a whisper in Alec’s ears, her voice heavy and he only nodded.

 

 

Jace and Alec trailed behind Maryse, waiting at the door to Isabelle’s room in the infirmary level fo the institue, while the tall, fierce and strong mother gently approached her unconscious daughter’s bed. She placed a light hand on Magnus’s shoulder who was still connecting to Isabelle through a small tendril of light blue magic, offering him a sincere and open smile as he looked up, surprised to suddenly find her there.

Brother Zacharias was the only other person present, he had been drawing various unknown and arcane runes onto Isabelle’s arm and now, retreated respectfully into the background.

Magnus noticed the change in the room and lowered his arm in turn, severing the already dim connection between him and Isabelle’s soul. He stood, offering a sympathetic look for Maryse, considering shortly hugging her, but eventually decided against it. The woman had barely accepted his role in her son’s life and he had no right to ask more of her in a situation as difficult and emotional as this one. And so, Magnus Bane, stepped back in such a humble way… his critics would not have found possible. But tragic, that so many who saw only the hedonistic and overbearing warlock, failed to see that Magnus Bane was sensitive person, deeply emotional and deeply caring. His front of bravado, irreverence and fun, served him well, but it made him appear callous. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Being there, in such a tragic moment, touched him deeply, rocked him to the core. Death had a different meaning to him. An Immortal. He would and could never get used to it. Even after these many years. The void that people left when they departed, the tragedy of forgetting, the senselessness of the silence after death. How the remaining soul would fold over into itself in an attempt to protect and preserve, remember and eternalise. And yet, it was just an illusion. In the end, everything and everyone would be forgotten. Nothing was remembered. Nothing remained.

 

“There’s so much I still have to tell you, Isabelle… so much you haven’t seen yet. There still is so much for you to experience.” The thought alone was enough to break the last barriers, and as Maryse whispered them, tears finally welledfrom somewhere deep in her heart up into her eyes and spilled down her cheeks with nothing left to hold them back. She longed for someone to hold her as she accepted the final fate of her daughter dying. Another soldier dead for the Clave. But to her, she was a life half-spent. A daughter pressed into a mould as unforgiving as it was painful.

 

_I am sorry, Maryse, she is too weak to be transported back to Idris. She would not survive a portal. Even with my help._

 

The words reverberated in her head and brought even more tears. Magnus pulled up a chair with a flick of his hand and eased her into it.

He had well noticed Alec and Jace at the door who now finally crossed into the room, wrapping both his strong arms around Maryse Lightwood.

 

When Magnus looked up again, Alec had disappeared.

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alec asks the impossible of Magnus, hits Jace square in the jaw and finally breaks down and ends up making it worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More pain, more angst, and a deep rift between brothers. Tell me what worked well, what you found lacking and what you look forward the most for the following chapters. This story isn't over yet. There will be a bit of comfort in the next chapter, before it all goes to hell once more. Thank you for sticking around!

Alec didn’t stop for anyone. Not even for Clary, who he almost knocked over at the end of the stairwell. He caught her by her upper arms, muttering a semblance of a ‘sorry’ and an ‘I can’t be here… ’ and was gone before she could even say a single word. When Clary came to Izzy’s room, her heart sank. She was no stranger to loss, having experienced enough her life in such a short time. This, however… was different. Tragic. And it went deep. So deep that she felt like an intruder having stepped into a scene where she didn’t belong. As if the stress of the fight, the horror of seeing one of their group hurt and the crushing reality of dying wasn’t hers to be upset over. Like she was a bystander that was too curious to continue on her way, and couldn’t help but watch as people around her suffered a traumatic loss. Again, that part of her - that had been played on by Alec numerous times before, no less - where she felt she didn’t belong here, was pushing her to step back. She didn’t belong here, not the mundane world, and most certainly not in this family.

 

Clary remembered when she had met Isabelle and her brothers for the first time, in the middle of Pandemonium surrounded by demons who she couldn’t recognise yet, in constant danger and so oblivious, so naive. The women had quickly bonded, much out of curiosity from Izzy’s side who was endeared to Clary’s mundane mannerisms. And Clary, in turn, had been touched by Izzy’s readiness to show her the ins and outs of the shadow world and help her find her place among people, clans, and procedures so foreign to her, they might have been on a different planet or in a parallel universe.

She was about to lose the only person who had come close to being a sister, who in time would have become family… to replace the family she had lost.

 

She was lingering at the still open door, torn between these conflicting parts of her heart when Magnus stepped towards her. “Where is Alec…?”, he asked. Short, to the point. - “I don’t know, I just ran into him on my way over here. He … didn’t look too good, Magnus.”

 

Magnus could imagine the emotional state Alec must be in. How hard he would take his sister’s passing. How much responsibility he would pile on himself until the crushing weight of it all would suffocate him. Just because he thought it was expected of him.

 

 

He found him on the roof, cloaked in the shadows, surrounded by his own ghosts. The lights from the city below did little to illuminate the terrace where a single angel statue recalled the celestial heritage of the Shadowhunter race. These incredible beings, a mix between human and angel, made to fight a threat to humankind, made to feel in pureness and immense passion, and yet condemned to not feel at all by law and convention.

 

The rain had covered every surface in a sheen of humidity, and the air was heavy with moisture. Already the first tell-tale signs of rose and gold were streaking across the sky, announcing the break of the morning to anybody who would still be out at this time of night.

 

“Ale…”

 

“Stop.”

 

Magnus was taken aback by the harshness that a single word like this one could hold. He could barely make out Alec’s back among the shadows of the furthest ledge, only a shadow against a dark night sky. His shoulders seemed low as if a heavy burden had been dropped on them. A burden Magnus would have gladly accepted for him. A burden he would have liked to explain to him, shift it and make it something else but the weight it was.

 

“How are you…?” - the warlock eventually asked, his voice soft and low, preparing himself for whatever was boiling up inside of his boyfriend's heart and soul.

 

“Where were you?”

 

The question was just as harsh as the warning before. And before Magnus could even answer: “Where were YOU…?”

 

“Seelie court.”

 

Alec wanted to rage and rail, but the evidence of Magnus’ answer was simple and obvious. There was nothing to rage against. He had been out of reach. It was as simple as that.

 

“I am sorry.” - “That’s not good enough.”

 

The reply surprised Magnus. Clearly, Alec expected something of Magnus. Had waited for him to dramatically swoop in and saved them all from inevitable loss. And, oh, by the angel, would Magnus have loved to do just that. Achieve the impossible. The unachievable. Just for the love that was standing before him. 

 

The look of surprise deepened when Alec swung around His face was paler than usual. The dark marks of the runes, hard and unforgiving on his skin. The soft sheen of rain in his hair and on his skin, made him look sickly. Unwell.

 

“Magnus. Please. DO something! Anything! I am begging you…”, his voice broke at last, “… it’s Izzy.” Finally, Magnus dared step closer. Not wanting to touch Alec, for fear of invading what was looking more and more like the emotional break down that had been building up for a while.

 

“I tried, my love. I tried.”, He replied softly. “She is beyond the magic of warlocks, beyond the magic of the angels.”

 

“Then try again!” Magnus shook his head, sympathy painted all over his features.

 

But before the warlock could answer, the door to the roof terrace swung forcefully open and a tense Jace appeared.

 

“Well, there you are.” His voice held nothing of the usual understanding or caring tone that he held for his brother and _parabatai_.

“What on earth are you doing up here, Alec?”

 

Alec closed his eyes, Jace’s appearance intensified the already throbbing headache that threatened to split his head apart. “Why are you not in the infirmary?” Jace shook his head, urging Alec for a reply.

 

“I can’t do this, Jace. Not now.”

 

“What the hell, do you mean, you can’t do this…?” The younger Shadowhunter’s voice became even heavier with anger as he took yet another step towards Alec who remained locked in his silence.

 

“No, really. You can’t do this? You mean, be with her, as she leaves this world? YOU can’t do this?” Stepping even closer now, Jace searched Alec’s face who could barely stand his look. “So what…? You’re letting her die alone? Without you by her side? Without her big brother? Are you bloody serious ?!”

 

The punch came out of nowhere and even if Jace had anticipated it, it would still have been too late. The force of the hit was a release of many things all at once, channeled into one move, and it hit him square in the jaw. He noticed blood in his mouth and when he lifted his face back up, murder in his eyes.

 

But Alec wasn’t having it. “Do you think this is the moment to decide who’s the better brother? Don’t you think I would trade places with her in an instant? You were all MY responsibility! It’s my fault she is dying. This is not the thing you want to be better at than me, Jace!” Their bond was all but closed, barely any connection between them left. “But everything is a competition for you, isn’t it? It’s always been like that. Send in Alec before me and I get to do the final save. This isn’t your moment of brilliance, because I failed! This is final, you idiot!”

 

Magnus had been distracted by a stray thought that had caught his mind just before Jace had appeared on the terrace… _she’s beyond the magic of warlocks or angels_ … is what he had said to Alec. But, what if there was a way to combine both kinds of magic?

He only paid half attention to the exchange of the _parabatais_ in front of him, until Alec hit Jace without any warning. Alec wasn’t a violent person. Not his Alexander. But Jace had found the pain spot and had jumped on it with both feet, just to get Alec to show any kind of reaction. It had been the first time during the whole night. Alec had managed to hold on to all his mental and emotional barriers, had remained detached and in pain.

 

Jace was hurt, but he was glad to have achieved what he had wished for. Alec’s reaction was painful for sure, and his words were hurtful. Worse, they were meant to be hurtful and he could feel the reverberations of his words deeply inside him, echoing through the bond. He didn’t attempt to stop it, waiting for Alec to pick up on it.

 

“I know it’s final. And you need to be there.”, was his flat reply.

 

Still, Alec wouldn’t allow himself react. He tried to hide the tears that had sprung up into his eyes by turning his back on both his boyfriend and his brother in arms.

 

“Alec. This is not your fault. I was there. You were injured..!” - “Stop. Please, spare me the usual clave pep talk! Soldiers die in war and all that. Only this time it’s my sister. She’s MY sister.” Alec had turned around again, the tears on his face a mix of anger, pain, and loss. A testimony to the depth of his emotional turmoil.

 

Jace’s mouth fell open and he stepped back away from Alec. Pushed backward by his harsh words. At the same time, speechless by the implication and the depth of the hurt Alec was trying to inflict on their relationship. He couldn’t believe that he had gone there. It must have shown, on his face and through their bond, because Alec regretted his words almost immediately, pulling harshly on their bond, in an attempt to turn things around.

 

“Stop it. The both of you.” It was time for Magnus to step in before one of them said something they would regret. Alec exhaled and closed his eyes, the pressure behind his eyes worse by the minute. Everything in him called him to flee, to run and refuse to accept what was a deepening reality. But he knew that neither Jace nor Magnus would let him. He knew they were looking out for him.He would never be able to forgive himself for not being at his sister’s deathbed, wishing her farewell as her soul was lifted into the heavens. Remembering how her actions, her talent had saved so many, had served the Shadowhunters and their duty how it had been set out for them, all those many years ago.

 

“I might have an idea that could give Isabelle a fighting chance.” Magnus finally said. “It’s a long shot and I don’t remember anybody ever attempting anything like it. But… it might be worth a try.”

 

“Then what are we still doing up here…?” asked Jace, threw Alec a pointed look and left through the still open terrace door.

 

“Jace.”

 

Alec had added another level to his own pain. Like a trapped animal that attacked the people that were trying to free it from its bonds, he lashed out at who came to support him, unable to do otherwise. The _parabatai_ bond was silent. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introspection, without a whole lot happening in action terms. But, there is a whole lot happening between everyone. Thank you and as usual, please leave me a comment on your thoughts and what you wished and expect in this or the next chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know why I all my characters end up making dramatic exits… it must be a reverse spell of Magnus’ dramatic entrances. *Chuckles* So, my apologies for the transitions. from chapter to chapter. I will do better in the future.

The idea was brilliant in its simplicity: Magnus wanted to bond with warlock magic together with angel magic to boost his healing powers.

And not just any angelic magic, but the _parabatai_ bond. The emotional and physical link that aided _parabatais_ to fight better, be stronger, last longer, coordinate better, would provide such depth and power to the more active warlock magic… Magnus wondered why nobody else had ever tried anything like it before.

 

Except, there was an added difficulty - of course. Why would anything be simple with either of them… Jace and Alec lingered at opposite sides of Isabelle’s infirmary room while Magnus tried to explain to Brother Zacharia what he was about to do and how he had come to the obvious conclusion that it was a good idea. The silent brother had been pondering the question for a long moment while mustering Magnus, feeling into the possibility of such a foolhardy healing. He had never heard anything like it. It was against protocol, against better judgement, and knowledge and utterly insane. But then again, he wasn’t the best argument for proper conduct and best practice himself. No, Zacharia was all for the odd way out or the strange solution. But he projected the risks of such a link and the strain on two minds that already were deeply impacted by the night and its horrors. He ended up balancing the risks against the pain that would affect the institute, the Shadowhunter community as a whole and their impact on the shadow world that would be affected by Isabelle Lightwood’s death. In the end, he concluded, if they all failed, nothing would be lost, they would have tried everything. And that thought alone would guarantee that her brothers, her mother, her family would survive the emotional trauma. Brother Zacharia had arrived at the end of his musings and looked pointedly at Magnus who expected an answer. He only nodded, neither speaking, nor projecting his thoughts into Magnus’ minds. He added a marked gesture that was somewhere between a nod and a shaking of the head, and Magnus understood too well. The risks were important.

 

Magnus looked up at Alec who appeared to be sulking in the far off corner, unhappy with himself, incapable of coming closer. As if just being here confirmed the heavy realisation that he was still resisting. He looked pale, paler than was usual even for him. _He looks ill. Didn’t Jace say that he had been injured…? Why didn’t I ask before…?_ But Magnus wasn’t losing concentration now. He would personally watch over Alec’s rest once they had saved Isabelle. He extended a hand, signalling his love to come closer.

They both joined Jace who was already standing at the foot end of Isabelle’s bed. The monitors had been turned down, and switched off. Clary and Maryse were waiting in the hallway, the door wide open like so many doors in the institute.

 

Jace’s back was rigid and tense. Even Magnus could see that. And yet, he turned around to an approaching Alec who was already pulling up his shirt to expose his _parabatai_ rune. None of them spoke. There was no need. They activated their bond, through their shared rune and an added strength and stamina activation each by the other, and the rest was Magnus’ doing. Jace’s guardedness wasn’t missed by Alec as he guided his stele over Jace’s runes. Markings that he knew so well. He’d done it countless times, in so many battles, he couldn’t even remember each of them. He looked up at Jace, at the hint of dark circles under his eyes that were a testimony of the night, the blond stubble and then, suddenly his mismatched eyes were on Alec and their _parabatai_ bond was wide open.

Any restraint or block had been removed by the ancient angelic magic of the friendship rune, by laws neither of them understood, but lived by. This bond had defined everything in their lives for such a long time. Had defined their feelings, their goals, their emotional landscape, to a point where it was hard to tell them apart from one another. And to hold on to what made them distinct. The outside world had the deep advantage to _see the difference_ , to be able to tell Alec and Jace apart. In their inner world, at times, they meshed together, became a distinctly new entity. A One. Something that couldn’t be defined by the addition of two people. By simply mixing them together. They were something different. It was inexplainable in human words and concepts. And at times Alec wondered if there was even a way to spell it out in Enochian. They communicated through presence, absence of presence, through wordless touch across souls, through a sheared heartbeat. It was so much more than just two people fighting, living or being together. It was transcended love, manifested devotion.

 

The two Shadowhunters locked eyes, and in a matter of seconds the past anger and hurt that was still present in both their minds and hearts, was dealt with. There was no explanation needed or possible. Jace knew and so, Alec knew. Knew about the hurt, the pain, the fatigue and how it had motivated harsh words and gestures tonight. They knew about how it meant nothing. Because it was just a human modality. Emotions, made to sidetrack, muddle and confuse. They knew because they felt. Felt on a deeper level. Felt each other’s pain, felt each other close, felt regret and the courage that came from the immediate presence of the other. It was like human conditioning, the masks and mirrors of the psyche had fallen away, to leave only essence. The essence of the soul. Essence needs no words. Needs not rational explanation. Essence knows. Essence is evident in and through itself. 

 

Without any explanation or word passing between them, they put each a hand on Magnus’ shoulders who had taken up Jace’s place at the foot of the bed himself, coming to stand between them. They had joined hands behind Magnus, who could feel the strong presence of the joined Shadowhunters behind him. Sending out his magic into Isabelle’s body, he started by testing the place and space the two brothers would allow him to take up in their link, first. He pulled on their strength, noting the resistance and give of the energy that was freely offered to him.

 

And then, he settled into a healing unlike any other he had ever done in the 400 plus years that he had been alive.

 

Magnus would come as close as anybody before him, to actually experiencing what the famed _parabatai_ bond was. How it defied any rational explanation, how its energy was limitless. As a descendent of a demon lord, he had direct experience of most of the things that went on between heaven and earth. Of magic, impossible and unimaginable. Of love that defied time and space. Of horrors as terrible, not even the human mind could think up.

But never, had he felt the depth of possibility and presence as he did now, plugged directly into this sacred bond. In a passing moment, he thought that this was a close as someone like him might ever get to touching the divine, no matter what immortality still might hold for him.

 

And then suddenly, there was Isabelle. It almost seemed as if the amplified presence of her brothers had attracted her soul. Magnus could feel her through what seemed to be a fine and translucent veil. She was so beautiful. Ethereal and radiant. Pulling stronger on the soul bond and boosting his energy, he sent a concentrated tendril of his blue tinged healing energy and felt not only bone, blood and human matter mend, join and complete. No, he felt how matter solidified, became tangible, and functional.

 

_Isabelle. Please._

 

The thought originated in Magnus’ mind, and bounced off each one of the _parabatais_ , amplified and obvious, it was impossible to tell whose thought it was in the end. One thought, three minds.

 

There was a jolt in Isabelle’s body, as muscles and tendons tensed in what must have looked like a painful seizure. Hands balled, arms and legs rigid under the light drapes of the infirmary bed, Isabelle Lightwood took her first laboured, but deep breath, as if it was her first on this earth. Life-giving, yet, reality shattering. Her dark and terror-filled eyes flew open, and for a split second lights, monitors flickered as Magnus pulled again hard on his bond with Alec and Jace, pulling for more power and to help and guide her soul back into her body.

 

Maryse was with her in an instant, pulling her up and into her arms, anchoring her further. A soft smile crossed Magnus’ features as he checked once more through his magic that indeed Isabelle’s body was healed and well. And that her soul had actually found its way back, anchored and meshed with her physical presence. All was well.

 

When he turned around, he was surprised to find Alec and Jace, both looking at each other, still locked in what looked like a trance, tears in their eyes. Shared tears of a shared emotion.

 

Alec was the first to break the lock, by squeezing Jace’s hand in his. They hugged. No hurt or pain left between them. And yet… as soon as the connection was severed in the physical world, Alec could feel the fatigue of a thousand lifetimes lower on his shoulders, bone crushingly deep, endless exhaustion. He didn’t care.

 

Isabelle was safe. Isabelle was alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. Izzy is saved. I am glad to have written this. Usually, I don’t do the healing part, but skip to the comfort. This time, it was the central part in which I wanted to delve into the parabatai bond and see how with words we could describe such a thing. Mind you, I haven’t read the books and I am sure that there are a lot of words involved in describing it in the books. I hope you enjoyed it and bid you farewell, before I come back with the next chapter which will deal with Alec and what happens after he’s opened himself up while being injured himself… :-*


	7. Chapter 7 - Difficile ascensus ad caelum est

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a night of solace, things turn dark once more as Alec suffers the consequences of ignoring his own wounds and it might just leave him facing his darkest nightmares of being hated by everyone around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some door throwing and crashing into rooms for a change. I do owe the idea to incorporate a shared nightmare to TeachMePatience and her fic “Morally Gray” https://archiveofourown.org/works/14672853 which is fabulous. Do check it out if you are looking for something to read.

Jace had slept for the better part of the day with a caring Clary watching over him. After Isabelle had woken up, rest seemed the most obvious choice for everyone, after a night of terrors, pain and almost dying. And so Clary had forced Jace to sleep in his bed in the bell tower, while Magnus was just as preoccupied to steer Alec into his room for rest while Maryse had decided to stay with Isabelle taking comfort in each other’s presence.

The day had come and gone and somewhere in the late afternoon Clary had woken up not remembering why she was in Jace’s room. She was still not completely used to the confusing sleeping schedules of her new life. She’d gone in search of some food in the institute’s cafeteria and when she came back with a surprisingly healthy sandwich to Jace’s room, she noticed the change in her boyfriend immediately. He hadn’t moved an inch from the center of the bed or changed his position significantly, but the level of tenseness in his still resting form immediately told her that something wasn’t right.  
Trapped in a nightmare, he shivered, then moaned the most painful moan she had ever witnessed any human being produce. Drawn out, and so full of anguish and despair.

They say that you weren’t supposed to wake people that were trapped in nightmares or sleep wandering… but the sounds he produced as an outside signal for whatever was haunting him in his dreams, was so unlike the tall, self-confident Jace that she was tempted to forcefully shake him out of his sleep, just to make it stop.

Clary was still considering the choice when the door suddenly flew open and a dishevelled Magnus appeared on its step.

“It’s Alec. I cannot wake him.”

He had barely spoken when Jace sat up without warning, wide awake, a scream stuck somewhere between his vocal cords and his throat. Clary was instantly beside him, wrapping her arms around his trembling frame. He was breathing heavily, trying to dispel the rest of the nightmare as best as possible until he noticed Magnus in the middle of his bedroom. Confused, he looked up at the stressed warlock who standing in his doorway.

And then it hit him. He felt it. Alec was in pain and it reverberated through their bond like a heavy wave of tar and destruction.

“Magnus…! Something is wrong…”

They all ended up in Alec’s room where the unconscious leader of the New York Institute was lying on his bed, dressed only in a sweat pants. His white skin was covered in a tell-tale sheen of deep fever, the bones of his face even more apparent than usual. His chest was still covered in disappearing bruises. From time to time a shudder shook his whole body. It was the only exterior sign that he was still alive. He looked so sick.

“This is all my fault. Why didn’t I insist on healing him last night…?” Magnus whispered below his breath. “Come off it, Magnus.” Jace looked intently at the warlock who was standing beside Alec. “He wouldn’t have let you. This is who he is. He suffers in silence until the silence kills him.” The words held the frustration and fear that reverberated unfiltered through him.  
Magnus motioned him over, ignoring the statement for the degree of unbearable truth it held. “I need to check his wound.”

Jace came to sit on the side of Alec’s bed and pulled his brother into his arms. He started to peel off the tape that had held the bandages in place. Under the white gauze, the gash had almost closed all the way through, but the skin around the wound was black and deep dark tendrils told all of them the level to which the demon poison had taken hold of Alec’s body.  
“Damnation.” Jace’s eyes snapped upwards to look at Magnus. He’d never heard Magnus actually swear. Or at least he couldn’t remember. “Drawing on the bond, Isabelle’s healing, it’s weakened him so much that the poison had free reign with him. WHY didn’t I see this? WHY didn’t YOU…?!” Before a speechless Jace could even begin to answer, Magnus reached out with his magic, wrapping Alec’s back in a blanket of blue energy, simply glaring at Jace.  
Of course Magnus was just voicing what Jace was feeling. It would have been his duty to pay attention to his parabatai. He had been so tired after the healing bond, and the night, it hadn’t as much as slipped his mind, but he simply was too tired to think about it.

They all looked at Magnus who, a frown on his forehead, felt into the injuries of his lover’s body. Mending where he could, neutralising where and what he could, but something was resisting him. As the minutes passed, Jace could feel Alec’s body temperature return to a more acceptable warmth as opposed to the shocking level of burn he had felt him in before. Under Magnus’ hands the wound finally closed all the way, leaving a dark grey scar, running all the way from the top of his right shoulder down to his spine. The warlock growled somewhere deep in his throat the rest of the demon venom was absorbed and the tendrils finally disappeared.

Jace lowered Alec back down, observing him closely. He was fully expecting him to wake up any second now.

Except Alec didn’t wake up.

“Magnus…?” He had barely finished speaking Magnus’ name when a pain as sharp as a knife made him cry out and fall from the bed onto his knees. Magnus’ anger at Jace instantly disappeared and with Clary, they were on him in an instant.

“It’s Alec. The nightmares were his.”

Only then did they realise that the cry they had heard, was actually coming from Alec. It transformed into a pained moan and for a moment, things in Jace’s mind and body mixed and mingled to a point where he couldn’t tell his or Alec’s experience apart anymore. After the healing, they had done nothing to tend to their bond or even think about closing it for some kind of comfort or discretion. They had just trusted that it would happen as usual. And it usually did. But usually, there wasn’t any demon venom to complicate things.

“What’s going on… Jace?” - “He’s scared and hurt. Our bond… it’s completely open.” - “We need to wake him. Now!” Magnus looked expectantly at Jace. “I am trying!”, was all he could reply.

Magnus turned back to the bed and Alec who was unmoving and unconscious once more.  
“Alexander. Love. Please, wake up.” He delved again into his magic, taking comfort in the way it swirled around his hands allowing him a direct link to Alec’s soul. A soul that was tormented, tucked away, retreated far off into the back of Alec’s existence. “Please wake up. Now. It’s just a nightmare.”

“It’s not working. Why is it not working?” Jace looked pleadingly up at Magnus from where he was still sitting on the floor, his head pounding. He gasped once more, this time clutching his chest just above his heart. He could feel his mind slipping, a sensation as if he was being pulled under water. Resisting it was futile, and simply impossible. Clary had pulled him in her arms and he could still vaguely make out her face.

“He’s being pulled into Alec’s nightmare! Jace, Jace… listen, you have to shut out Alec and protect the bond.” Magnus was finally piecing everything together. “No.” And of course, Jace wasn’t having any of it. “No.”, He muttered as his mind stayed conscious and he became a willing spectator of Alec’s torment.

He found himself standing beside Alec in a deserted hallway of the institute. But the vision was distorted, the whole place was tinted in pale blue, icy, and cold. In front of them, stood another Jace, anger distorting his face as he spoke: “This is your fault. Izzy is dead because you failed to protect her. What are you even good at? You’re supposed to be a leader! OUR leader! You can’t even lead them into battle. You are useless! And in the end, you couldn’t even be enough of man to not let her die alone … ! You left her. You are nothing more than a coward! I despise you.”  
The words hit Alec head on and a blade couldn’t be more hurtful. Through their link, Jace could feel Alec’s emotional pain as his own, while he received the hurtful insults in silence.

“NO…!”, he yelled back at the Institute his mind stuck between two realities of two worlds. Clary looked at Magnus for help who could give her none. “Magnus, please, help him.” Jace’s words just came out as whispers as he drifted once more back into Alec’s nightmare. There was nothing between them anymore and he experienced Alec’s side of the bond as if they had been one. Which, of course, they were. He was incapable of shutting it down or Alec out, too afraid to lose him forever.

Back in the blueish tinged nightmarish world of Alec’s subconscious, they were all of a sudden, at Magnus’ loft. It looked different, darker, unwelcoming. “You are a coward, Alec. Death is inevitable. The way you couldn’t overcome your fear of your own emotions when your sister was dying, tells me much more about you than the months we’ve shared as a couple. You prefer to abandon, before you face what hurts you. I don’t even recognise what I saw in you before.”

Again, the words were received in silence. The only outward sign of a reaction were tears on Alec’s pained face and for a second Jace wondered what would happen now. Would he remain blocked in an incessant loop of people refusing him his humanity? His weaknesses? Of throwing his guilt in his face?

“Come on, Jace… talk to me.”, Clary’s voice was low. She was desperately trying to hold on to Jace, who she felt slipping way too far into Alec’s mind. She was afraid for the both of them and again, she resented the fact that she knew so little of the parabatai bond in order to be of any assistance. Rune magic and pure angel blood, be damned.  
Jace was whispering incomprehensible things under his breath now, his eyes half closed, privy to a scene in his mind that neither Magnus, nor Clary could see or understand.

In Alec’s mind however, things had already moved along, and Jace was suddenly standing together with Alec in front of the Seelie Queen, locked in a serious argument.

“I don’t care about the price to pay or the consequences. I just ask for freedom from my life and my memories.”

“Oh, Shadowhunter. It is no small thing, you ask of me.” A quaint smile played across her lips. “But,…”, her smile deepened, “…if you choose to become a knight in my court, then I might be convinced to grant you what you seek.” She stood now, to her full height which always seemed to be this much bigger than she actually was. “But, I warn you. It will not be without pain.” She looked pointedly at him before stating: “Deruning never is.”

“I don’t care. Make me forget who I was.” Alec stood in front of the Seelie Queen, his shoulders hunched, but with a determined look in his eyes.

The Queen looked satisfied with his answer. “So be it then.” And with the flick of her wrist, she conjured up her wand. “There will be memories resurfacing. Things that will try and hold you back from your transformation. You’ll need to resist them.” And while she explained the finer details of the transformation, a couple of Seelie knights in armour grabbed Alec by his arms and shoulders, pulling his left arm forward and exposing it to the Seelie Queen. Their grip was so complete that he wouldn’t dream of resisting and Jace, who was only spectator to the scene, was incapable of interfering. The Queen used the wand to draw a symbol on Alec’s arm. Not dissimilar to a rune, but unknown to anything Jace knew. It felt like being burnt with ice and he could feel the pain of the wound through the bond, just as Alec’s pained cry became his as if echoed across the bell tower back in the Insitute.  
The Seelie Queen had marked Alec and through an unspoken command to her soldiers, they exposed Alec’s side now, the parabatai rune strong and dark against his skin.

Alec closed his eyes to the nightmare in which he was tormented as the Seelie Queen lowered her wand to burn away the one rune that had defined Alec like no other these past years and the better part of his life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch. A bit of a mean Cliffhanger, but not too cruel. I promise, it will get better. Soon. Again, please tell me what your thoughts are, what you liked and what you didn’t like and my thanks are with you for sticking this out until the end. Blessings!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No door throwing, no dramatic exits... but a it of a dramatic entrance. 
> 
> And: Comfort was promised and comfort will be had. And a tender Magnus & Alec moment.

Somewhere between his own pained cries and his vision dropping in and out of focus, Alec heard someone yell a decided and distinct ‘Stop…!’

 

It had the welcomed effect of ending the burning pain that accompanied the sensation of someone pulling off his raw skin from his side and him being conscious enough to experience it.

 

There was a heated exchange that he couldn’t follow, unable to focus properly on what was going on around him. The hands and arms that held him were so unforgiving, the idea of resisting seemed impossible and while he still desperately tried to simply follow what was going on around him, none other than Isabelle Lightwood appeared in his line of sight.

 

His mind flipped in over itself, refusing to process the information. Izzy was dead. How was this possible.

 

“Izzy…?” His voice was raspy, and the name was lost in what looked more and more like a battle of the wills between Isabelle Lightwood and the Seelie Queen. The fee’s eyes had narrowed at the dark Shadowhunter who had pulled herself up to her full heightin front of one of the most dangerous individuals in the downworld, refusing to back down. “This is what I warned you about. That your mind would do everything to deter you and stall your transformation.”, She spoke the words in a hypnotic way in Alec’s direction before turning to Isabelle. “You do not belong here, dead one.”

 

“Oh, neither do you, witch.”, Isabelle hissed. “Let go of my brother. I won’t say it again.” Alec’s mind was reeling, and still all the pieces of the situation in front of him refused to fit into a clear and proper picture.

 

“Izzy…” Isabelle finallyturned to Alec and his captors, eyeing them harshly to step aside. There was a voiceless exchange between them and their queen and they refused to let go of Alec, holding him down even stronger.“You died. Izzy… how is this possible. You are dead.” The inflection of the last word, the way he pronounced it, was nothing short of tragic as his voice broke. “No, Alec. This is not real. I am. It’s me. Isabelle. I am alive. You are back at the institute. We all are. Please, please, listen to me…!”

 

He closed his eyes, blinking hard, more and more unable to focus as his conscious and unconscious battled for his attention. The one wishing for Isabelle’s words to be true, while the other wanted to persist in this nightmarish space where he was as abandoned by everyone as he felt. Magnus despised him. Isabelle was dead. And Jace hated him.

 

“She’s right, Alec. Wake up. Please, wake up.”

 

It was Jace’s voice. Who was as close in his ear and his mind as if he too, was standing beside him. And then, Alec felt himself being pulled backwards, as if he was dropping into deep water. There were no more arms, no more cries, no more faery folk. Only deep and dark water, pulling him under. The pain and anxiety of the last hours reverberated around him, like slow and steady heartbeat. He felt himself fall for what felt like hours,… endless falling,… expecting the bottom of this ocean to welcome him any second now. But there was no bottom to this, there was only falling, in the dark, deep, deep recesses of his mind.

 

Izzy was alive. In the end it was all that was important. He took comfort in the thought. He could go on in this falling, find solace in its endlessness. The way the darkness wove itself around him, holding him without bruise or hurt. He could remain here, without wish or want. Izzy was alive. It was all that mattered.

 

Or so he thought.

 

But,…

 

There was something else. Someone else vying for his attention. As limited as it was, so occupied in his falling.

 

Jace.

 

His brother in arms. His _parabatai_. And, out of habit, forged out of so many years and hours, so many fights, he reached out. Cast out his mind to brush against his brother’s mind, as he had done so many times before. It was a familiar thing to do. An automated response, like clapping your fingers or scratching your nose. You’d do it without thinking about it.

The second Alec came up against Jace’s presence and mind, the falling stopped and he was suddenly lying, not uncomfortably, on his back. He became aware of his body. Of the limits of his physicality. Of the limits of his being.

 

He had arrived.

 

Alec drew a tentative breath, testing his lungs and his body. A body that felt strangely unfamiliar to him. He could suddenly feel a whole set of people around him. They were talking. There was agitation in their voices. Words… so many words, he couldn’t focus on.

And then, Isabelle’s voice.

 

“Izzy?”

 

The words stopped, immediately.

 

“Alec!”

 

He finally opened his eyes. He frowned at the assembled people of his family in the middle of his room. Unclear, as to what they were all doing there. And then he was in Magnus’ arms. The familiar smell of his lover’s presence - sandalwood, a bit of cologne and a whole lot of Magnus - finally grounded him in the here and now. Brought him back from a confused and painful mix between reality and nightmare. There were explanations offered to him that he couldn’t quite take in.

 

Apparently Isabelle had appeared and asked Magnus to project her into Alec’s mind in an attempt to snap him out of his nightmare. The cutting of his rune had inhibited Jace’s already limited ability to interact with Alec further. And so Isabelle had saved her big brother from his own desperation and imagined guilt.

The lessons of the experience would be numerous and there would be a time to analyse and take these lessons for their value. But that time wasn’t now. Magnus could tell that Alec wasn’t ready yet, and needed space. He looked up, locking eyes with Jace who in turn understood instantly.

It took him a moment, but he ended up herding Maryse, Isabelle, Clary and Brother Zachariah out of the room, leaving the last moment of this difficult passage to Magnus and Alec.

 

When Magnus turned his eyes back down on Alec, he noticed that he was in turn looking up at him, searching his expression. There was a moment of silence between them that Magnus was tempted to cut short with a flippant remark or a reply, but something in Alec’s look captured his attention, all sass gone from his mind.

 

“It’s ok. You’re safe. I got you.” It seemed to be the right tone and Alec replied in turn. “You always do.”

 

“I am sorry I didn’t pick up the phone. I wished I’d have been here. Things would have turned out quite differently.” Magnus eventually ventured. It was clear that as a powerful warlock wherever he was, represented also a thousand places where he was not. He had rarely been this acutely aware of this painful reality. 

 

Alec drew himself up into a sitting position, his eyes, searching something in Magnus’ face once more. “Or not.” He sighed. “Wherever I was, you said you despised me for my cowardice of accepting fate and death as part of life.”

Magnus frowned, as an apologetic smiled crossed his lips. “That’s a bit harsh. I would never despise you…” - “No, I know… but, there’s a truth here… isn’t there? One day, I will die. And it’ll be part of life. Part of my life. As I have lived it. It’ll be ‘the end’ under my story.” Magnus nodded for Alec to continue. It seemed important for him to say the words out loud for both of them to understand. “I just hope… it will be a glorious story. That has you in it as long and as on many pages as possible.”

 

Alec drew Magnus’ face closer down to him, brushing his lips against Magnus’. They shared a kiss as soft and relieving as a winter’s morning. When the sun finally breaks out of the harsh winter cold. There’s no heat or demand in the winter sun. But a promise. Of a future spring, of fresh plants and flowers. Of green and lush landscapes. Of easiness, of simplicity and companionship. And of love. Of light and of the future.

 

One kiss can hold a world and a million promises in its folds.

It might not save a princess or a prince in distress.

 

But it might just be a promise of things to come.

 

Perfect kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised comfort and here it is. The conclusion, completely opposite to the frantic beginning of the story. Soft and simple. And evident. 
> 
> This concludes this little exploration into a new fandom for me.   
> Thank you for tagging along the ride. It was my pleasure if you found something that was inspiring or shocking or even both. Please leave me a comment with your reactions. It will make my day.
> 
> May your path be lit with love and belonging and may the goddess hold you in her embrace. Until then: merry part.


End file.
